Scotland I Love You.(an alternative national anthem)

I come from land where men wear skirts
With nothing underneath
When winter shows
And a fierce wind blows
We stand proud and clench our teeth,
From castles in highland glens
To tenement butt and bens
We moan and complain,
Because from Aberdeen
To Gretna Green
We're never far from rain.
.
chorus
Scotland I love you
And Mel Gibson too
Braveheart be thy motto,
Here I will stay
To my dying day
Unless I win the lotto.
.
The purple heather decks the mountains
Rivers run crystal clear
My place of birth
Paradise on earth
Till the blood sucking midges appear,
From championship golf courses
To complex divorces
We welcome strangers,
And we curse and swear
As tempers flare
When Celtic play Rangers.
.
chorus
.
bridge
With a wee dram, I raise my hand
Here's to you my bonnie Scotland.
.
chorus

--------------------------------------------------

Glasgow On A Saturday Night.
.
I've gazed in wonder over Paris
From the top of the Ifal tower
When I stood by Niagra falls
I felt the waters mighty power,
I flew across the grand canyon
It made me feel really small
And I sensed ancient ghosts
As I walked the Chinese wall.
.
chorus
I've been dazed and amazed
Seen many a sight
But there's nowhere better
Than Glasgow on a Saturday night.

I loved those shish kebabs
When I was in Istanbul
And that Mexican tequila
Was like drinking rocket fuel,
But a greasey haggis supper
Is like a banquet to me
And my favourite tipple
Is always any whiskey.
.
chorus
bridge
Strangers say hello, mind how you go
There's no airs and graces
It's on everyones mind, to have a good time
You don't see any sad faces,
And it's not like Sanfrancisco
London,  Rome or Toronto
It's is a world apart,
And it's hard to explain
That even in the wind and rain
Glasgow warms the cockles of my heart
.
chorus

---------------------------------------------------------------

Bonnie Janet.
.
I'm no wooin Jenny Tamsan again
She took me ti the cleaners
I bocht flures and chocolates ti
Took her ti U2 in Glesgi,
Bit when I tried ti kiss her
She squawked like a hen
I'm no wooin Jenny Tamsan again.
.
I'm no seein Elsie Kirk nae mare
Even though she's gorgeous
I telt her she maks my pulse rise
And touched wan o her thighs,
She slammed ma car door
And shot aff like a hare
I'm no seeing Elsie Kirk nae mare..
.
I geed up chasin Mary Hepburn
She's hid plenty chances
I wrote her poems nicht and day
Got her sussys and a neglijay,
Awe I ever got back
Wis a peck in return
I geed up chasin Mary Hepburn.
.
I'm runnin oot o winching techniques
Starting to think awe women are freaks
Like creatures fi anither planet,
But I'm no throwin the towel in
The moon micht hear me howlin
Cause I've got a date wi bonnie Janet.
.
I'm seeing bonnie Janet again
She kens a trick or two
Maybe she's wan screw loose
Bit when I left her hoose,
I wis on cloud nine
Next time it micht be ten
I'm seeing bonnie Janet again.
Aye
I'm seeing bonnie Janet again.
.......................................................................................

The Legend Of Sawney Bean.
.
Sawney Bean bled to death a long time ago
But his story is worth repeating
Back in the fifteenth century
He was the last guy you'd want to be meeting,
Sawney and his wife lived in a cave
On Ayrshires coastal wilderness
Their family grew to nearly  fifty
On a diet of human flesh and incest.
.
chorus
Sawney would cut your throat
While you knelt and begged
He'd fry your eyeballs
And boil your legs,
He'd pickle your liver
And butcher your splien
Hundreds died at the hands
Of Sawney Bean.
.
Many travellers were never seen again
They were killed cooked and eaten
Innocent men went to the gallows
Or died while being savagely beaten,
Even though discarded heads and limbs
Were found washed up on the shore
Their evil went undetected
For twenty five years or more.
.
The family hid in the cave by day
Planning their nightly slaughters
They all took part in killings
His inbred sons and daughters,
Nobody heard the victims die
Though they screamed and howled
For within a few seconds
They were disemboweled.
.
bridge
Finally captured and taken for execution
The family males had their limbs severed
And slowly died as their blood filled the ditches,
After witnessing the men folk die
The females were burned alive
The same as the penalty for witches.
.
chorus